-If you guys wouldn’t mind, I’d just like to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now. Is that cool with you guys? Thank you. I appreciate that. James, can I …
-If you guys wouldn’t mind,
I’d just like to write out my weekly thank-you notes
right now. Is that cool with you guys?
Thank you. I appreciate that. James, can I get some thank-you-
note-writing music, please? [ Piano plays ] -Wow.
-Thank you, buddy. -On fire! Thank you, trick-or-treating, for proving
that if there’s one thing that will actually get me
to go for a walk, it’s the possibility
of free food. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, I’ll do it. [ Applause ] [ Piano plays ] Thank you, White House staffers
John Kelly and John Bolton, for having a shouting match
about immigration this week and reminding us all exactly why we’re not going home
for Thanksgiving this year. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Piano plays ] Thank you, umpire gear,
for making every umpire look like he just stole
a bunch of frozen pizzas from a gas-station food mart. [ Laughter and applause ] -What’s up? [ Piano plays ] -Thank you, monogram towels,
for letting your dinner guests know that the towels in your
bathroom are, in fact, yours. [ Laughter and applause ] These aren’t my towels. -These aren’t mine. [ Piano plays ] -Thank you,
movie-theater popcorn, for being served
exactly two ways — no butter at all
or all the butter. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Piano plays ] Thank you, flu shots, for forcing me to choose
which activity I like better, getting the flu
or being stabbed. [ Laughter and applause ] -[ Laughs ]
[ Piano plays ] -Are you just laughing
at the silence? -Yeah. Flu shots, you know.
-Yeah. -Is this the last one or no?
-What’s that? -Is that the last
thank-you note? -No, you can see
there’s more than — There’s probably three more. -You’re right.
I wasn’t paying attention. -You thought it was
the last one? -I thought it was the last one,
but now — -Now you believe three there? -Yeah, no.
I see those three piles. I’m a fool. Go for it.
Sorry. -Apology accepted. [ Light laughter ] [ Piano plays ]
-Glad you took it. -What’s that?
[ Laughter ] Tip of the hat.
-Yeah, tip of the hat to you. -Tip of the hat to you, yeah.
-Governor. [ Laughter ] Who you going to thank?
-What’s that? I’m just thinking about who
I’m going to write these — this thank-you note to. -You make them up as you go,
right? -That’s correct.
-Yeah. [ Piano plays ] -Thank you, ordering fries
for the table, or as that’s also known, pretending I’m not going to
eat all the fries so I’m ordering them
“for the table.” [ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah! Maybe three. [ Piano plays ] -Thank you, drawers at
the bottom of the fridge, or as vegetables call you,
coffins. [ Laughter and applause ] -Now, is this the last one? [ Laughter ] -What’s that?
-Is that the last one? -Absolutely.
What do you think? Yeah, you saw it, right? -Again, you’re right.
I’m not paying attention. I can clearly see
that’s the last one. -Oh, I’m wrong sometimes.
I’m sorry. I apologize. -No, I apologize to you. Yeah. [ Laughter ] -I can hear —
You’re right in front of the — The microphone’s
right in front of you, yeah. -It’s right here?
-Yeah. -Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] I’m ready for this last one. [ Laughter ] -That mic is practical.
Is that mic on? -This one?
No. Sometimes it is. -This one is. [ Laughter ] [ Piano plays ] -Thank you,
out-of-office messages, for letting me know
that you’ll definitely see my e-mail
over your vacation but there’s no chance in hell
you’re replying. There you guys have it.
Those are my thank-you notes.